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Setting: A Parisian cafe. Alex: Garcon! I ordered a croissant with strawberry butter and it still hasn't arrived yet! Waiter: Pardom me madam, when did you order it? Alex: Well, let me put it this way, I think Napoleon was running the country at the time!!! Hawk: Scuse me there, Gairsoon. I ordered some of them es-car-gots, and all you brung me was some slimey snails in a plate. Alex: Hawk Shayne, what ill wind brought you to Paris? Hawk: Well, as I live and breathe! If it ain't her royal highness Queenie Spaulding. I'm just here to see the sights is all. An' what a sight you are for sore eyes!! Alex: Please, don't make me ill before I eat my lunch. Hawk: You don't want to eat here anyways. Lookit what that fareigner brung me, snails!!! Alex: We're the "fareigners" here. By the way, the word is "escargot" and it's french for "snails". Hawk: Wanna try a bite? Then you can have some snails too, heh heh heh. Alex: Hawk Shayne, you are incorrigible. Hawk: So why don't you encourage me? Alex: I mean...oh never mind. Hawk: well I guess for what I paid for them slugs, I should give em a try. (Hawk swallows the snail whole, immediately begins gagging): Arghhh! Ackkk!! Alex: Hawk, are you alright?
Hawk: Cain't breathe....you better do that Heinie manuever on me........... Alex: If you think I intend to engage in any of your pornographic hijinks...... Ed: I think he means, Heimlich manuever. Good thing I'm here in Paris at a medical conference. Hawk, if the heimlich doesn't work, I may have to try a few sharp blows between your shoulder blades. Alex: Try a few sharp blows to his head while you're at it. Hawk: Gurp!!!! (spits out snail) Oh Dr. Bahr, you saved my life. Alex: Yes, thank you Dr. Bauer. Be sure to send Hawk a bill. A BIG bill, with lots of numbers in the total. Hawk: Hush up Queenie, I'm a bit low on resources right now. Send the bill to Lewis oil, care of Josh & Reva. Alex: Hah! I hate to tell you this, but your Lewis Oil gravy train just rode on up the hill to the Spaulding mansion. Hawk: What do you mean? Alex: Josh lost Lewis Oil to Alan and Annie who then lost it to Phillip. Hawk: Alan and Annie Mutton together again? I ain't seen a pair that bad since my last poker game. How in the world did Josh lose his company to your kin? That old skinflint HB must be rolling in his grave right now. Alex: Well, be that as it may, it's the truth. So settle up with good Dr. Ed and be gone. Ed: Don't worry about it Hawk, just stick with bread and water until you get a taste for the local cuisine. I have to go, I'm meeting Justin Marler in a half hour. Ed leaves Hawk: Well, Queenie, looks like its jest you an' me like ole times. We have quite a history together. Alex: (muttering to herself) Figures, the one nugget of history the writers DON'T forget!!! Nick: Ma? is that you? Alex: Nick darling, I didn't know you & Susan are here? Nick: Susan is with Lucy, hitting every dress shop in Paris. Alex: Where's Alan-Michael? Nick: He's over there talking to Dinah. Dinah (dressed like a nun with a tissue taped to her face): I keep telling you sir, my name is Sister...um.....Sister Vanessa, that's it. I'm from Switzerland. A-M: You don't sound Swiss, Dinah! Dinah: I'm Swiss-American, and my name is NOT Dinah!
A-M:
Dinah: Don't talk to me about that blonde bimbo. Hart must be dead from the neck up to want to be with her. OOOPs!!!
A-M: I knew it, you are Dinah!
A-M: By the way, about that "dead from the neck up" stuff.....I'm sorry, but you accidentally killed Hart.
Dinah:
A-M: That's not the way I heard it. I heard she wanted you to go but you cried to Ross & he intervened, then you shot hart and split town.
Dinah: Well, my mother could have turned me in but no! She helps me leave, she should have done the right thing. She just wanted me to leave town. No room in her life for the daughter she threw away. Ohh look at the time, I have to go to midday mass, see you around. (Dinah leaves quickly)
Hawk: That girl is wound up real tight.
Alex: Have you met Sarah's daughter Cassie yet?
Hawk: Well, not exactly. I been busy here with my baby girl, Roxie. She got a day pass from the clinic. (Roxie hops in wearing a straight jacket and leg restraints)
Roxie: Hi Pop, hello Alex. (sees Nick) Oh no, the angels are back! Make em go away.
Hawk: What's wrong Roxie?
Roxie: It's Lujack, Daddy he's come back for me.
Alex: Let me explain, Nick. Roxie went through a great emotional strain when her boyfriend got sick. First, he was dying then all of a sudden he was miraculously cured of his illness. It drove her off the deep end. Thought everyone around her was an angel taking her to heaven in her boyfriend's place. She felt like his life was spared so she had to give up hers.
Nick (calmly): I'm not Lujack. I'm his twin brother. Try to calm down Roxie. There are no angels here.
Alex: Lord no, just us Spauldings (looks at Hawk) and the occasional country bumpkin.
Angela: Hi. Mr. Shayne. It's time for Roxie to come home. Zachary's bringing the car around front.
Hawk: Alright, now Roxie you go back to the nice home with Angie & Zach and I'll see you later.
Roxie: They want me to let go, but I don't want to die. I don't even know how to box!!! No!!!!!!!
Angela smiles pleasantly and drags Roxie out of the cafe by her hair
Hawk: My poor baby girl.
Alex: (voice dripping with sarcasm) My yes, it's strange the things being inbred can do to a girl.
Nick: Ma, knock it off.
A-M: Come on Aunt Alex, show some compassion. You haven't changed one bit, just like Dad & the rest of the family.
Nick: Present company excluded?
A-M: Nick, you and I are nothing like them, let's go. I'm sick of this family reunion already.
Nick: (apologetically) I'll call you soon, Ma.
A-M & Nick leave.
Hawk: Well, Queenie. Time for me to hit the road too, I gotta check in on Roxie at the nuthouse.
Alex: You should check in to the "nuthouse", period.
Hawk: I've really missed that sarcasm, Queenie. (plants a big, slobbering smooch on Alex's lips) I'll catch you later.
Alex: I'd rather catch the Ebola Virus, Blechhhh! (wipes mouth)
Hawk leaves.
Alex: Well, what a morning. My family still hates me, I'm still the object of that Hee Haw reject's desire. At least now I can dine in peace with no more interruptions.
Roger: Hello Alex, long time no see. How's my least favorite & only sister in law?
Alex: Oh no. Waiter? Check Please. NOW !!!!!!!!
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