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Setting: Buzz, Selena, Jesse and Drew are cleaning up Company, the bar Buzz bought with some of his million dollar prize money to replace the diner. Jesse is clearing Nola's posters off the wall. He notices that most of them are pictures of naked men with Buzz's face pasted on them. Jesse: Wow, Buzz. You look buff. You should post these on the internet and charge a few bucks admission. Buzz: Oh come on, how dumb would I be to think I could get people to pay to look at pictures of me? Selena (sarcastically): Nice to see that this Nola person got over her obsession with you. Look at this, she carved "Nola Loves Buzz" into every booth. Drew: You haven't seen the worst of it, I just found a Buzz Cooper blowup doll in Nola's old bedroom. Jesse: There you go, we could sell them on a website and make a bundle. Buzz: Just what I need, a website. Then everyone would post comments on my message board telling me to cut my hair, blow my nose and do God knows what else! Jesse: Yeah, then some idiot would start writing "funny" stories about you and post them. Drew: Oooh here comes my baby brother, Max. Hi Max. Do you want to help clean this place up for Buzz? Max: Yeah, whatever. Drew: How was school? Max: Yeah, right. Like I'd know. I haven't seen the inside of one of those in years. Drew: You can't cut school. You need a good education. Max: Nobody ever goes to school, it's no big deal. Drew: What? It's a very big deal. You can't tell me all your friends skip school! Buzz: No, he's right. No one ever goes to school in Springfield. They wait til college then get into one of the excellerated programs. I figure with the bucks I have now, I can afford to send my boys to Springfield U for a month or two so they can get a doctorate in something. Jesse: Hey Max, can you give me a hand. I have to move this life size bronze statue of Buzz into the basement. Max: Yeah, whatever. Buzz: Charming kid. Selena (whispers to Buzz): What if she ever finds out she's not related to Max? Buzz: Hopefully she'll breathe a sigh of relief. Selena: I'm serious, I'm really scared that this will all blow up one day. Drew: Guess what? I've decided to help Max find his father. He never knew him, so I figured I'd find out more. I hired a detective to look into it for me. Selena (nervous): Oh that's great. Isn't it great, Buzz? Buzz: Did you hire Frank or David? Drew: No way, I got a real detective. He says he tracked down some of Dorothy Nickersons old friends. Selena: That was easy to do, just search street corners and highway rest areas from 7 pm to 5 am. Buzz: They'll be the ones wearing fishnet stockings and sillicone implants. Drew: Anyway, these friends said she worked fifth street all the time. She used to call herself Door to Door Dotty. The first and only housecalling prostitute. It's all in his report Buzz: Door to Door Dotty? She'd come into the diner and order the special of the day, then I'd do likewise. Boy do I remember her Blue Plate special! Selena: Spare us the trip down memory lane. Drew: Do you know what this means? It means you could be Max's father. Buzz: Max is what...fifteen? I was living out west with my daughter Lucy at the time. I knew Dotty from before that. Drew: Well somebody from Springfield must be his father. Ben Warren walks in, looks around and spies the collection of Buzz posters and "Nola & Buzz 4 Ever " signs. Ben: Hmmph. Nice Decor. What do you call it? Early American Cooper? Buzz: Very funny. We're not open yet, so if you're here to sell me protection insurance from The Carmen-ator you're out of luck. Ben: I was just looking for a cup of coffee. Hmm, what's this? Ben pickes up report and reads it. Ben: Door to Door Dotty. I haven't seen her in years. I once met a hooker with a heart of gold named Selena. She made me feel like a whole man at a time when I felt scared and scarred. After I got my act, and my face, together I went back to look up Selena. I never did find her, but I did track down Dotty. She was an old friend of Selena's. I was bummed that i couldn't find Selena to show off my new face, so I made due with Dotty. Lucky break for her. Buzz: I didn't think streetwalkers were high class enough for big time lawyers. Ben: Good old Door to Door Dotty, she can Habeas my Corpus anytime. Selena: Guess again. She's dead. Drew: Wait, Selena. Doesn't this seem odd to you. Mr. Warren met a hooker named Selena who happened to be friends with Dorothy Nickerson? Selena (nervous): Wha....what do you mean? Drew: Maybe this other Selena knows Max's father! Selena looks at Buzz. Buzz (under his breath): I told you she was spending too much time with Jesse. Drew: Have you met the other Selena? Selena: I may have seen her once or twice. Buzz (under his breath): Yeah, in the mirror maybe. Selena elbows Buzz in the chest. Buzz: Ooof! Ben: Look, if you're thinking I had some tryst with a cheap hooker and fathered some snot nosed brat, think again. It couldn't happen. Selena: Don't be too sure of that. Ben: I always took precautions. I carried protection. Drew: Accidents happen. Buzz: Which explains how Ross got himself a baby brother. Speak of the devil.... Ross enters. Ross: Hello Buzz, Selena, Drew....(coldly) Ben. Ben: Ross, I just saw a travel book in the library that reminded me of you. "Exploring India". Ross: For your information, I've never travelled to India. Ben: Hmmph, from what I hear you've been all over India. She's not exactly undiscovered territory. Ross (ignoring Ben): What's the topic of discussion today, folks? Ben: Door to Door Dotty. Ross: Oh my, now there's a name from the past. I do remember her fondly. Ben: Hmmph, you mean Fondle- ly? Well, don't jump out of your legals briefs just yet. Dotty is six feet under. Ross: I know that. The male population of Springfield had their zippers at half mast the day of her funeral. Buzz: That probably wasn't all that was at half mast. Selena: Buzz!! Buzz: What??? I was talking about flags! Ross: My only regret is we never took our relationship to a romantic level. I used to pay her $75 an hour to listen to the closing arguments for whatever court case I happened to be on. She was a great audience, never said a word the whole time. Ben: Being bored into unconsciousness does that to people, leaves them speechless. Drew: Great, three guys who knew Dotty and none are Max's father. He has to be out there somewhere. Jesse and Max walk in carrying the bronze statue of Buzz. Buzz: I thought you were bringing that to the basement? Jesse: I was, but which direction is the basement? I can't find it anywhere. Buzz: It's downstairs. Jesse: Oh..DOWNstairs. Got it! Be right back. Let's go Max. Max: Whatever. Frank Arrives. Frank: Hi everyone. What a rough day. I busted 5 jay walkers and had to shoot an armed suspect. Selena: That sounds terrible, who was the suspect? Frank: Some kid with a pea shooter. He could have put my eye out. I figured it was either his life or my pupils. The parents were yelling something about a lawsuit, can you imagine that! Buzz: What nerve! Frank: What's going on here? Drew: We're talking about Door to Door Dotty. Frank (grimaces): I know all about her. She was my very first..... Buzz: Arrest? Frank: Well..no. But it did involve handcuffs (smiling). Buzz: Frank when you and Dotty "got together", did you have anything with you at the time. You know, in your wallet? Frank: Yeah, my buddies set me up with her and they gave me something and told me it was for protection. Pretty silly though. How much good would that water balloon do me if I got in trouble. Buzz: Water Balloon??? Drew: Frank, I think you should know this. I think Max is your son. Frank: Yeah, right...Whatever.
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