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Setting: The Spaulding Mansion where a great tragedy is unfolding. Lizzie has just turned up missing and a phonecall to Alan from Annie Dutton confirms the worst - Annie has Lizzie with her and intends to raise the confused little girl as her own daughter. Beth is having a fit of hysterics, arms waving about wildy, smacking her forehead and clutching her throat. Beth: My baby, my poor baby. Why...why would anyone take you from me? You're a part of ..a part of me! You belong to me and no one...no one else has a right to have you. Jim: Relax, honey. We'll get Lizzie back. Beth:Who's Lizzie? That wretched witch Annie stole my necklace. My pretty sex pearls. My precious babies. She won't know how to...how to care for them. She won't...she won't tuck them in at night and...and talk to them. Phillip: Frank, If we know Annie used my dad's cell phone to call, can we trace the call through his cell provider? It would seem that if she was using the phone out of the area there might be a roaming charge to track. Frank: Look, this is a police investigation. Leave the haphazard amateurish sleuthing to the people who do it best, the Springfield Police. Phillip: What was I thinking? How could I overestimate your detective skills that way. I'm sorry Frank. Frank: Don't ever let it happen again! David, come here. I just had another one of my brainstorms. David: Why do I know I'm going to regret asking, but what is it? Frank: We're going to go to the train station. Alan: That's a great idea. Frank: I figure I can relax and watch the trains come and go while I'm thinking of someplace to look for Annie. Alan: Um..Frank.... Phillip: Dad, don't say it. You'll only get him mad. He'll figure it out by himself...eventually. Frank: My idea is that when we do see Annie, David can pretend to be her friend and pump her for imformation about where she and Lizzie are hiding. Hayley-Harley: If you find them you obviously won't have to care where they've been hiding. And when you find Annie, Lizzie will be right there next to her. Frank: That's even better. I have another brainstorm! David, you can pretend to be Lizzie's friend and pump her for information about where she and Annie are hiding. Kids are more gullible than adults anyway. Alan: Some adults. (rolls eyes) Hayley-Harley: I can't believe this guy! When did the evil space pods from the panet Moron kidnap my brother and replace him? Beth E.-Harley: You should talk, lady! Hayley-Harley: Who are you? Beth E.- Harley: I'm Harley Davidson Cooper Spaulding Mallet Spaulding. Phillip: Easy for you to say. Hayley-Harley: No, I'm Harley. It says so on my contract. Frank: Oh great. It's happening again. Hayley-Harley: What is? Frank: Its an odd phenomenon called "recasting". It hits Springfield a few times a year. You wake up some morning and the person in bed next to you looks totally different. Sure, she says her name is Eleni, but the others said that too. Hayley-Harley: Frank, you don't make any sense. Frank: I never do. But this is different. I have this figured out. The people of Springfield are being systematically replaced by these "recasts". They try to act and sound like the people they replace. Some of them are darn good at it, some aren't. David: You're nuts. I never heard about any of this? Frank: Look in the mirror, partner. It happened to you too. A couple of times. I won't even get into how many versions of Hart Jessup we've had. Alan: One too many? David: Now that you mention it, I did notice Vicky seems different from when I first met her. Beth E-Harley: Yeah, and Beth used to be a lot nicer to people. Phillip: Don't worry David, we all get recast eventually. Sometimes we get to come back, though Like Harley and me. I was recast too but then I came back again. Come to think of it, I was a recast myself. I used to be a little kid then I went to Lincoln Prep school for a year or two and came back 18. Alan: On the other hand, I used to be older. You have to be careful though. Sometimes you can be recast into oblivion. Look at poor Ed Bauer. He'd been changing every few years since the early 1950's. Now, he's nowhere in sight. I also heard that as a boy Mike Bauer originally looked like a young Christopher Walken. Beth E-Harley: Now THAT is creepy! Thankfully he changed. I mean, would you buy life insurance from Christopher Walken? Frank: So far I've escaped recasting. It's because THEY know that I'm on to them. Hayley-Harley: Who are they? Some All-powerful, all-knowing bizarre alien life forms? Frank: Close enough, they're writers, executives, producers and casting people. Collectively, they're referred to as TPTB (The Powers That Be). Beth: Excuse me people. But I...I have a crisis..I have a crisis here. My Sex pearls are gone. When you stop blabbing and find this Lizzie person make her give me my pearls back! Jim: I'll get you new pearls. I used to be an expert Pearl Diver. Beth: Was that in between being an Algebra teacher and a Navy Seal? Jim: No, it was between being a Seal and being a professional clog dancer. I have diversified career goals. David: Could we start looking for Lizzie some time this century. By the time we get started we'll be able to trace her by finding out where her old age pension checks are being mailed to. Frank: OK partner let's roll. We have some pearlnappers to round up. Hayley-Harley: So where does this leave me now? What do I do? Phillip: You do what all the others that have left do. Hayley-Harley: What's that? Phillip: Excedrin commercials.
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