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Setting: The Santos Fah Mee Lee church (They have their own?). The odd ticking noise Abby heard has just been revealed to be a bomb. Bill has jumped forward to disarm the bomb himself while everyone else is panic stricken. Bill: This should be easy, there's only three wires. If I cut the right one I can stop the timing mechanism. Danny: OK, so which one is the right one? Bill: Back off man!!! I don't have all the answers you know. I haven't gotten to the section on disarming time bombs in my junior electronic expirementer's kit. I can make a transistor radio though. Ray: Look, I think we all need to settle down and say one of those thingies.... Rick: You mean a prayer? Ray: Yes, one of those. I'm still pretty new to this whole priest thing. Danny: I'll cut the wire myself. Michelle (hugs Danny): Oh Danny, you're the love of my life! Danny: Bill, give me a knife. Bill: Those things are sharp. I don't own one. Danny: Then how were you going to cut the wire if you don't own a knife? Bill: Hey, you're the mafia. Don't you stock up on those things? Abby: Wait, I hear something outside. Ewww it's too loud!! "Quack, Quack" Michelle: It sounds like a duck. It is a duck! It's the one Zachary the dead love of my life and I nursed back to health. Ben: Exsqueeze me? You nursed a duck? Hmmph. Lucky duck. Michelle: That's not the way I meant it, Ben. Rick: Actually, it sounds like a goose to me. Ben: she goosed a duck? Michelle: Oh, well..duck, goose. Who cares? It was the love of my life. Abby: It's outside the door, I think it's trying to tell us something. Rick: I feel like I'm in an episode of Lassie. Michelle: He must feel the connection we had. He must realize that I once helped him and he wants to return the favor. Animals are really very intuitive and intelligent. Listen, Ducky...You have to open the door and let us out. Do you understand? Give two quacks for yes and one quack for no. "Quack Quack" The duck waddles off down the road. Rick: You were saying something about animals being smart and intuitive? Ray: We have to get these doors open!!!! Ray tugs on the locked doors and suprisingly they open from the inside. Ray: I don't believe it! The doors open from the inside too! Michelle: Oh Ray, you're the true love of my life. Danny: I thought I was the love of your life? That didn't last long. Rick: It never does. Bill: Uh guys, this is about to blow. We need to cut a wire here. CBS NEWS Theme; We interrupt this program for a CBS news bulletin. In New York, here's Dan Rather. Dan: Good Afternoon everyone. A frightening afternoon for the parishners in a small church in Springfield where a time bomb was found under a church pew. Abby: Ewww, what is that noise? It just droans on and on and never shuts up. Rick: That would be Dan Rather. Abby: Can he just cut in on us like that? How rude! Rick: He always does that, Abby. It's his job. Abby: To annoy people? Dan: Let me reiterrate... Bill: Oh great, now he has to reiterrate! Dan: A bomb has been found in a small church in Springfield. We will have more details as they become available. Wait...I have just heard that the President is about to make a major announcement concerning this bomb in the church in Springfield. we go now to Washington DC. President Clinton: Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed about the bomb found in the small church in Springfield. I know that all Americans join the First Lady and myself in praying for the poor unfortunate souls trapped in that church. God Bless America and goodbye. Dan: Briefly recapping the president's message, he said that he and Mrs. Clinton are concerned for the safety of those trapped in the church in Springfield where a bomb has just been found. Bill: Hey Dan! Can you give us a hand here? Dan: Hello? Is someone talking to me from out in soap opera land? Bill: It's me Bill Lewis. we have this bomb thing under control, everyone is out of the church and safe but we still have to diffuse the bomb. Any ideas? Dan: Well, growing up as a smll boy in Texas my grandpappy had a saying about how to handle time bombs. "When in doubt, cut the blue wire". Bill: Thanks. Dan: Recapping again the new developments....Hold on. Is it really 3:15? I have to get to Kennebunkport. I'm going clam digging with George Bush Jr. Look, let me know how this bomb thing turns out. To our viewers on the East Coast. Be sure to stick around for Oprah or whatever crap the affiliates put on after this show. Bomb Squad arrives. Actually two guys with blue jackets that say Springfield Bomb Squad on them. Frank and David arrive soon after. Frank: OK boys, check that bomb out. Bill: Frank, am I glad to see you. Frank: We just got a tip from some duck that a bomb was planted in the church. Any idea who put it there Mrs. Santos? Carmen: I have no idea. Danny: Nope, not a clue. Frank: Right! Do you people think I'm an idiot? All: "---" Frank: Fine, be that way. But I'm conducting a full investigation into this. I will be back. Carmen (to Dietz): Dietz, I want the people who did this. I want names, I want phone numbers, I want addresses, I want Social Security Numbers, I want PIN numbers, I want shoe sizes, I want Bodies.... Dietz: Ok boss, I get the point David: Mrs. Santos, did I hear you say you want bodies? Ben: I think the whole town heard you say that, Carmen. Not the most discrete mafia boss, are you? Carmen: um....I said, I need more body in my hair. Dietz, call my stylist at once. Dietz: Yes boss. Frank: Come on David, let's go. we have everything we need here. David: We do? We were only here two minutes? Frank: We have the bomb and we'll return it to NATO and we know someone is responsible for planting it here. David: But we have no idea who did it? Frank: Don't worry, I always catch the perpetrators. Ben: Hmmpfh, and what century will that happen in? Michelle: Oh Ducky, I knew I could count on you to get help. You're the love of my life!
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