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Selena: Drew, you're back! Well..How did it go? How was the ceremony? Drew: I don't want to talk about it. Jesse: Look, how many times do you want me to say I'm sorry? Drew: Just drop it, Jesse. Selena: What is it, baby? What happened? Drew: I have NEVER had such an embarrassing and humiliating moment in my whole life! Selena: Well, whatever it is that happened, you have a long way to go in this life so chances are you'll top this moment with one just as bad or worse. So out with it. What happened? Jesse: I'll tell you what happened. Ok, we're at the unveiling and all of a sudden the rabbit starts choking... Drew: Rabbi, Jesse, he's called a Rabbi. Jesse: Ok, the Rabbi starts his speech then he starts choking so I grab him and start doing the Heimlich Manuever. Drew (sighs): He wasn't choking. He was speaking Hebrew. Jesse: Oh yeah? Well it sounded like he was trying to hock something up to me. Anyways, I try to save him and the guy calls me an idiot. What gratitude! Selena: Oh no, was he really mad? Drew: Mad? He ended up with broken ribs and a migraine. Jesse: Hey I was trying to fit in! I only ate Kosher Dill Pickles on the plane home and I even wore that little beanie cap for you. Drew: It's a yamulke. And for future reference, they DON'T come with little propellers on them! Jesse: Well it didn't hurt to ask, did it? Drew: You see? This is why we'll never be compatible. I can't marry you, you'll never understand my heritage. Jesse: Sure I will. I'll turn Jewish. Where do I sign up? Do I gotta take a test or somethin'? Selena: Look, you two have to work this out. If you can't resolve this problem, how can you handle any others you might face. Where do you want to take this relationship you have? Try looking beyond this. What do you want to do with your lives? what do you want to accomplish? Jesse: I'm gonna be the next Ricky Martin. I plan to model myself after him. I'll skip the Menudo years, of course. But I could star on a soap opera like he did. How hard can THAT be? Drew: You can't just break into the music business that easily. I know the industry. It takes time and you have to have musical talent to be a recording artist. Jesse: Ok, so explain most Rap artists then! Drew: Well....every rule has its exceptions. Beth: Excuse me. I couldn't help overhear what you're talking about since I was eavesdropping. When I was about your age my ex-boyfriend Lujack wanted to make videos and become the next Bruce Springsteen. Jesse: Lu-Who? Who's that? I never heard of him? Beth: That's exactly my point. Fame can be fleeting. Jesse: So this Lo-jack, what happened to him? Did he make it big? Beth: It's Lujack and no, he didn't. He was killed. Jesse: So your point is.........? Beth: I don't know. I just wanted to butt in on the conversation, I guess. Selena: I'm sure you have something more important to do than stand here butting in. Beth: Um...no actually..I don't. Lizzie is at a friends' house and Jim is taking Susan out for ice cream. He said it's a "father/daughter" kind of thing. Buzz enters. Buzz: Beth, you must not have heard. Harley & Phillip had the baby. It's a boy! Beth (with transparently phoney enthusiasm): Oh...how...nice...for them. Buzz: By the way, Alan had another massive coronary. Beth: Oh No!!! not Alan. Who will bring Lizzie her bedtime ice cream cone? Buzz: How about you? Beth (snottily): Excuse me? Provide for my own child's needs? That's what Nettie is there for. But I better go see Phillip. I'm sure in her "condition" Harley is little comfort to him right now. Beth leaves. No one misses her. Jesse: Drew, I'm outta here. If I'm not good enough to marry then I'm not good enough to live with either. I'm moving out of the apartment. Drew: No, Jesse, you can't do that! Where will you go? Jesse: I figure I can stay with Buzz for a while. Buzz: You better check your figuring then. Selena: Buzz, you have to help him out. Where else can he go? The boarding house is full isn't it? Buzz: How should I know. I never go upstairs. Do I even own it? Let him go to San Crisco Ball or whatever they call it. Everybody else in Springfield seems to be ending up there. Jesse: Hey, I can't go there. I don't speak no other languages. Drew: Michelle said they speak English there. Buzz: He doesn't speak that language either. Jesse: I ain't no good at it, but I do speak it. Buzz: Fine, I'll buy you a ticket to .... Selena: Buzz! Buzz: Oh... all right. You can stay for a while. Jesse: Gee thanks Buzz. This will be great. I'll go bring my stuff to your place. We'll be like two peas in a pod. Buzz (looking skyward): Why can't he find his own pod?
Cardiologist: Dr. Bauer we need to Defib Mr. Spaulding. Stat! Rick: Ok, Lillian get me the paddles. Lillian: Here. (hands paddles to Rick) Rick: What is this? These are Ping pong paddles with wires taped to them. They're connected to a 9 volt battery! What is going on? Lillian: Dr. Grant bought that months ago. It the SanCorp 2000 Lite model Defibrillator. Rick: Lite model? This thing looks like it was thrown together by a third grader. What did it cost 50 or 60 cents? Lillian: 50 or 60 thousand dollars. Charles said Carmen made him an offer he couldn't refuse. Cardiologist: Nurse Angela, what does the heart monitor say? Nurse, will you put away that black creche and answer me. Nurse Angela: Its ok to let go Mr. Spaulding. You don't have to fight anymore...Oops sorry Doctor. The weatherman is saying that most of the country is having a dry spell. Rick: That isn't a heart monitor, its one of those cheapo $40 TV sets from Japan. This equipment is as inferior as we are. What is going on? Cardiologist: Put it on channel five. All My Children is on. I love that Marj Dusay. Rick: Who's she? Lillian: Oooh I've seen her. She's the one who looks so much like Alexandra Spaulding. Cardiologist: Hah, it figures. You changed the channel just in time for a commercial. Oh look, it's another one of those Excedrin commercials. I'm tired of seeing those. Rick: Don't knock Excedrin. It works, That's why I use it. It works. The next commercial starts. Little girl (not unlike Lizzie): Mommy, Mommy, The school nurse did head lice screenings today and guess what? I don't have cooties!! Mother: It must be the BUGOUT spray I delouse you with every morning. It works great! Now we can go do lunch at Wendy's then I'll take you door to door to sell power tools. Little Girl: I love you Mommy. AND I love BUGOUT too! Announcer: BUGOUT, it kills cooties dead. Rick: That kid is everywhere. Turn that TV off, I need to concentrate. Alan seemingly awakens to a bright white light shining in his face. Nurse Angela is standing over him. Alan notices he is no longer in a hospital bed but is now in the middle of a boxing ring. Alan: Mrrmr. What happened? Why am I wearing baggy shorts and boxing gloves, Nurse? Angela: Hello Alan. I'm Angela. I'm going to help you on your journey. You don't have to fight anymore. It's ok to let go. Alan: Let go of what? What are you babbling about? Phillip stands at the edge of the ring. Phillip (with gritted teeth): Dad, you have to fight. You HAVE to make it, understand? You have a grandson who needs you. Alan: Yes, I'm aware of that. I'm the designated ice cream provider for the Spaulding clan. Suddenly another figure appears at ringside. Alan: You there, I recognize you. You're Hart Jessup! Hart: Hey Al. (kisses Angela) Hey Sweetie. Alan: What are you doing here? Am I dead ? Phillip (tears hair out of his scalp by the roots while clenching his teeth and looking anguished): NO!!! I won't let you die! Hart: Al, it's your call. Stay or go back. You decide. I can tell you from experience that being dead isn't so bad. Its like being alive only you don't breathe. Phillip: You were oxygen deprived long before you bit the dust, Hart. Alan: No, son. Maybe he's right. I've been such a fool. A pathetically embittered man, a dark soul-less despot intent on controlling and ultimately hurting everyone I profess to love. I don't deserve to live. Phillip: Well.... Hart: Way to go , Al. Welcome to the dead club. I got great news for you too. I've been assigned to help you earn your wings. We'll be pals. We'll get to hang together for eternity. Alan: You and I.....forever??? That tears it. Phillip hand me those boxing gloves and point me to the punching bag. I'm going to get out of here if it takes all night. Alan begins wildy jabbing at the punching bag while Hart stands at ringside making out with Angela. Back in the hospital. Rick: I think he's coming around. Cardiologist: Excellent work, Doctor. That Excedrin you gave him must be working. Rick: It always does. Let's check his heart beat. Lillian hand me one of those SanCorp Stethescopes. Lillian: You mean the two tin cans with string taped to them? Rick: TWO tin cans? Wow, must be the Deluxe model. Charles Grant spares no expense!
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