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Dietz: The paperboy is here, Carmen. Carmen: Excellent, send him in. Paperboy: Ummm...You owe $3.00 for last week. Carmen: You must be new here. It is you that owes me money. 60% of your take. Paperboy: Are you nuts lady? You must be one refried bean short of a burrito! Carmen: Dietz, take him outside and "educate" him about my "profit sharing" policy. Dietz cracks his knuckles. Dietz: With pleasure. C'mon you little brat. Paperboy: Whatever. Drags boy out by his ear. Pilar enters. Pilar: Mama, is the paper here? I want to see the movie reviews. Billewis and I are going to see a movie tonight. He wants to see Phantom Menace but I don't think I can sit through it with that Jar Jar Binks. I hear he's really annoying. Carmen: Perhaps I can have Dietz deal with this Binks person. Pilar: Mama! We're supposed to be going legit, remember? Besides Jar Jar Binks is a character from the new star wars movie. Off camera we hear whimpering, crying, and a loud punch. Pilar: What was that? Carmen: Oh Dietz is playing tag with the paperboy. Pilar: That's nice. I'm meeting Billewis out front. Adios Mama. Pilar leaves. Dietz re-enters bloodied and with a torn shirt, tear filled eyes and a black eye. Dietz: That little punk has one mean right hook! Carmen: I take it you were unsuccessful in getting throught to him? Dietz: He mugged me. The little thief stole my wallet! If I ever catch that Max Nickerson, I'll kill him. Danny and Michelle enter. Carmen: Why Meeshelle, how nice to see you this morning. You look so upset dear, your face just might freeze that way. Danny: Michelle and I are arguing about where to have breakfast. She's mad that I won't go to Petunia's with her. I refuse to be seen at a bar & grill called Petunia's. Michelle: It's Petula's and it happens to be named after someone I knew. Carmen: Another "love of your life"? Michelle: No, a friend of mine. She's dead and I miss her very much. Carmen: I can arrange for a reunion.... Danny: Mama be quiet. I need to speak to you in private. Carmen: Oh very well. Dietz, you have things to do? Dietz: Yes M'am. Carmen: Then get to work. Dietz walks out to the alcove where he picks up a box labelled "ACME Bomb Company". Dietz: This one should do the trick, heh heh heh. See you later, Carmenator. Carmen: Alright Daniel, what do you want? Danny: Mama, I have heard things on the street. Things that I don't like. You were playing me. You never had any intention of going legit, did you? Carmen: You know we can never do that now. Our lives would be in great danger, we'd be viewed as weak by our enemies. Danny: I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse. I'll do you a favor and lose the bullet riddled clock and in return you agree to turn ALL the business dealings over to me completely. If you refuse, I'll turn the clock over to Frank Cooper as evidence that you set up the shooting that wounded Pilar. You KNOW what will happen if he gets that clock, don't you? Carmen: He'll stare at it with a dazed and confused expression on his face? Danny: Well...actually...yeah, he probably would. Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Carmen: It was a nice try Daniel. Danny: Thanks. I better see if I can patch things up with Michelle. EEEEEKKKKKK!!!!! Danny: Michelle!!!!! Danny races to his bedroom where Michelle is standing over the bed, the bedsheets are covered with duck feathers, sweet and sour sauce and a plate of roasted goose. Michlle: Oh no, poor Ducky. I came in here to find this! Danny: There's a note. It says "Next time Santos, it's YOUR goose that will be cooked!" "Sincerely, your pal for life, Nino." Michelle: Nino must have done this to Ducky the Goose! Danny: Gee, do you think so? I'll take care of Nino. Get Dietz to clean this mess up. Where is he anyway?
Abby enters the alcove where Dietz is setting up the bomb. Abby: Excuse me, I'm here to meet Danny and Michelle. We're going out to breakfast together. What is that thing you're building? Is that a bomb? Dietz: (with sarcasm) No, it's my new Pentium III computer. Of course it's a bomb! Abby: Well I hope it's not loud! Can you keep the noise down when it goes off? Dietz (yells in disbelief): WHAT????? Abby: Shhhhh.. Dietz: Do you have a slow leak, lady? This ain't no library. I'm going to nuke this family into the stone age. If the noise inconveniences you, don't worry. You won't hear it long. Just stand right next to the bomb. Better yet, I'll make sure you get a nice close view. Dietz ties Abby to a chair next to the bomb, then leaves quickly. Abby: Well, I think you are a very rude person! (abby yells) SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!-- Ewww, I'm so loud. I have to be more quiet. ......somebody.....help....me............ There, that's better. "tick tick tick tick......"
A shadowy figure dressed in khaki pants and a red bandanna on his head bursts through a window in the alcove. He pulls a semiautomatic weapon from his shoulder strap and starts firing wildly. Abby: Rick? is that you? Why are you dressed like Rambo? Rick: The name is Rickbo. I've had enough of this Abby, no more Mr. Nice guy. It's time to take action! Abby: Well, start off by defusing this bomb. Rick: I'll just throw it out into the street where it won't harm anyone. Rickbo throws the bomb through the now broken window. BOOM! Aunt Meta climbs through the hole created in the wall by the outside bomb blast. She is also in khaki clothing and carrying an AK-47 and grenade belt. Meta: Rick, do you remember when you said that Dietz person was a gutless flunkie for Carmen? Rick: Yes. Meta: Well, after that bomb went off I was able to confirm the part about him being gutless. Rick: You mean he's a wimp? Meta: No, I mean he's gutless, literally. Carmen comes running from her office. Carmen: What have you done to my home? Rickbo: I just saved your sorry behind from a bomb. This tears it! I'm taking Michelle and leaving. Michelle: Rick, you saved us? You're the love of my....waitaminute, we're related. Skip it. Danny: (giving the two handed-two finger salute) This has got to stop, I'm going to make Nino pay for what he did to Ducky the Goose and for trying to blow up my home. Abby: It wasn't this Nino person, it was Dietz. He set the bomb and tied me up. Carmen: Dietz, a traitor? When I find him....... Rickbo: It won't be hard. He's over there. Rickbo: And over there. Rickbo: And over there. Rickbo: I hope you like jigsaw puzzles. Danny: Dietz was behind this? That gutless worm! Meta: Oh, you noticed the gutless part too? Pilar and Bill enter. Pilar: Oh Beel, someone set off another bomb. Our backyard is a mess. Bill: Dietz looks pretty busted up about it too. Danny: Dietz wouldn't betray us blindly. He had to have a plan, someone he was in cahoots with. Bill: I was just looking at the bomb parts. As a future prospective software programmer for Microsoft, I know a lot about bombs. Like IE 4.0 and Windows NT and, of course, time bombs. Rick: Time bombs? Bill Gates is getting into the time bomb business too? Carmen: It never hurts to diversify. Danny (reading the lettering on the detonator mechanism): "MS Timebomb 3.05 Revision # 1,455,660,112" Danny: I'll be darned. It looks like Microsoft to me. Hmm. It was made in their San Cristobal factory. Dietz: Arrrrghhhh!!! the pain!!!!! the agony!!!! Carmen: Dietz, pull yourself together at once! Dietz: I'm trying...(gasp)... Dietz begins stuffing his guts back into his body and sews his legs back on with a needle and thread that he borrows from Grandma Santos' sewing basket. Dietz: Ok, I'm back in business Mrs. Santos. Ready to serve. BANG !!! Carmen promptly pulls out a gun and shoots Dietz dead on the spot. Carmen: Thank you Dietz, I didn't want to shoot you while you were lying down. Danny: Dietz had a San Cristobal connection. Someone there smuggled the bomb parts to the states so Dietz could put them together. Meta: There's the box that the bomb came in over there. There's an address on it. Oh my! I don't believe it! Rickbo: What? what is it? Meta: This bomb was sent by someone named Marlon Brando. Carmen: Dios mio, not him!
Meanwhile in San Cristobal... Marlon: Hmmf, I'm sick of this. Every soap opera in america is doing a cheap knockoff of my Godfather movies. I'll teach those punks some respect. I am the only great actor who can pull off playing a mafia don. Who is that woman anyway? What kind of mob name is Santos? She looks more like an undercover cop from Miami to me! Somebody get me another turkey and a side of beef, I'm starved!
Rickbo: You're all nuts! I'm taking my baby sister out of here before she gets herself killed like that duck did. Meta: It was a goose, Rick. Rickbo: Who cares! Abby: Rick, don't be rude to Aunt Meta! Rickbo: Hey, if you don't like it, tough! I'm no pushover anymore. I'm a man of action now. Michelle: You're a control freak. Meta: Frederick Bauer, you will lose the surly attitude and leave your sister alone or I will take away your stethescope and not let you play doctor at cedars anymore! Rick: Aww, Aunt Meta....I'll be nice, I promise. Meta: You apologize to this nice drug dealing, protection racket running mob family for insulting them. Rick: msry. Meta: What was that? I don't think anyone heard you? Rick: I said I'm sorry. Meta: Fine, you will come over here on Saturdays and mow the lawn until you have paid for all the damages. Rick: Oh, all right.
Meanwhile, a clone in a white lab coat sneaks into Manny's bedroom and steals a few goose feathers. Clone: The DNA from these feathers should be all I need to clone you. Don't worry Ducky, I'll bring you back to life or my name isn't Michael Burke the Second. I'm glad my daddy cloned himself before he was blown up in that lab. Now I can have my very own cloned goose for a pet.
Meanwhile (again) at Jeva's house. Reva awakens with a horrified scream. Reva: NO !!!!!! Josh: What is it? what's wrong? Reva: It was horrible. I can't describe how I feel right now. Josh: Do you have a feeling of impending doom and dread? Reva: Yes, like something evil, something horrible is about to return to our lives. Josh: Was it a premonition about San Cristobal? Reva: No, it's that stupid clone storyline. Oh Bud, what if it comes back again to haunt us? Josh: No way! never. We don't use the C word anymore! I wish you'd go back to dreamin about opening doors again. Now, you have me freaked out! Meanwhile at Cedars Hospital... Lillian: Dr. Bradford, Rick Bauer is on the line. He wants to commit the entire Santos family to the psychiatric ward. Dr. Bradford: Oh my! We only have the one room. How many foldaway beds can we fit in there? Oh well....so many crazy people, so little space to lock them up in. sigh.
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