|
|
|
Setting: Dinner at the Santos House. Announcer: The Role of Papa Santos will be played by Dick Van Dyke Papa: Hi (trips over ottoman) OOOFFF!!!! Carmen: Oh Rob!!!!!! Danny: This is my Grandfather, Papa Roberto Petrie Santos. Papa, this is my bride Michelle Bauer. Papa: So you must be related to Meta Bauer? Michelle: She's my great aunt. Papa: (smirking) Your aunt was great alright and I still have the sore back to prove it. Carmen: Dinner is almost ready. Danny: What's for dinner, Mama. I'm starving. Carmen: For my traitorous son, dog vomit and cow dung. For the cold blooded tramp you married, I have revenge, a dish I serve cold. Everyone else gets spaghetti and tacos. Michelle: Spaghetti and tacos, that's a weird combination. Danny: Mama can't figure out if we are Hispanic or Italian, so we split the difference. Michelle (trying to be nice): You could look up your heritage on the internet. Carmen: Shut up, murderous pig! Papa: Carmen, why do you hate her so much? Carmen: She brutally murdered my dear, sweet Mick. Bashed his head in with a rock and left him for dead. Papa: For crying out loud, How useful was that pointy jawed goon to this family? He dealt drugs in the open, blatantly tried to solicit customers for an ex-hooker named Selena, tried to rape little Michelle and took Jesse Blue for all the cash he had. The boy was an idiot, he had no discretion. I miss him about as much as I miss the boil I had removed from my butt at Cedars last week. Carmen: Papa, you may be my father in law, but I won't hear you talk about my Mick that way. Papa: You defend Mick, but want to kill Michelle? Tell the girl the truth about Mick. You want to kill her but you can't. She was family before she even met Danny or Mick. Carmen: Shut up Papa. Papa: Mick's father, Michael never knew he had a son. he moved to Washington and works for the FBI. He and Carmen had a fling years ago. Michelle: How does this involve me? Carmen: Papa Don't do this! Papa: Mick's father is Mike Bauer, your Uncle. Michelle: Oh my God!!!! Danny: That means, we're related Michelle. We can't be married. Papa: Cousins marry each other all the time, I saw it on Jerry Springer Dietz: Can I shoot her now, huh? Can I, please? Carmen: This incestuous union ends now. Shoot her, Dietz. Papa: Dietz can't shoot her either, He's related to her too. Dietz: How so? Papa: Dietz, you were given up for adoption by Meta Bauer after I got her pregnant years ago. You're our son and Michelle's cousin.
Dietz: I have a mommy and a Daddy? I'm so happy
Carmen: Well, I WILL shoot her, she's only related to me by being an inlaw, I'll bend the rules just this once.
Papa: Carmen: Have you forgotten about the daughter who disowned you, changed her name, and went away to medical school and became a doctor. What was her name again?
Carmen: Uh.....Claire Ramsey
Michelle: That's my real mom. Carmen, you're my Granny!!!!!
Carmen: Oh Dios Mio !!!
Danny: Michelle, what does that leave us as?
Michelle: Guests on the next Jerry Springer show, I guess.
|
|
|